


Stay with me

by LUCYxLIED



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, F/F, Jealous Lexa, Protective Lexa, Soulmates, bestfriends, there will be angst and violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2018-08-14 06:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8001568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LUCYxLIED/pseuds/LUCYxLIED
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a day that usually brings people joy only brings pain and heartbreak to Clarke and Lexa. An unexpected turn of events brings them together in a way they never thought would happen in their life. Can they overcome the past? Or will they let it control their future?</p><p> </p><p>Or a story told by Lexa about how she ends up living with Clarke and her aunt Anya at the age of 8. It isn't until highschool that Lexa understands the depths of her feelings for Clarke.</p><p>(Story has been edited and added to)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Day I Lost Everything

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a story in a long time so any comments is really appreciated. Also will take any suggestions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A story told by Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've rewritten this story cause I wasn't that happy with it and it's taken me awhile to get around to it but now it's finished. So here goes nothing. I will be adding more chapters soon. I hope. I get distracted easily.

I want to tell you a story. This isn't your typical romance story where boy meets girl, or in my case girl meets girl, and the fall magically in love and live happily ever after. No, this story is about loss and unimaginable sadness, and being able to overcome it by sheer determination, and maybe even a little sarcasm. This is the story about my life, but in order to tell this story I need to start at the beginning. To the day my whole life changed. The day I lost everything. 

What I didn't know at the time was that it was also the day I met the love of my life. Clarke Griffin. Beautiful, talented, and downright stubborn, Clarke Griffin. She was the very definition of an enigma. She was unlike anyone I had ever met before. Always so vibrant and happy. The yin to my yang if I'm gonna be cliche. The moment I met her I knew that I was finding my heart for the first time. I could finally feel it beating in my chest, like it desperately wanted to rip out of me to get to her. She was the kind of person that felt like they had to fix everything, no matter how broken it was. And by everything that also included me. She consumed my body, heart, and soul. She was my everything. 

It all stated when I was eight years old, it was Christmas Eve in Polis and the town was struck with the holiday fever. Lights dazzled the town whilst couples littered the streets hand in hand. Christmas time always has the citizens of Polis in a craze throughout the whole month of December. Every year our little town hosts a Christmas bash in the town square where they have dancing and games you'd play at a fair. Every year my parents would take me to the bash and every time I came home with a new stuffed animal and a belly full of cotton candy. It was my favorite time of the year. The bash is also famous for being known for couples becoming engaged. It's quite a spectacle to witness. The man gracefully bending to his knee as the woman gasps and clasps her hand to her mouth to stop herself from crying. Which never works. The woman then squeals 'yes!' whilst throwing her arms around the man. Then the crowds of spectators will cheer and applaud to the newly engaged couple. 

 

I never quite understood why people would want to propose in front of a large group of people. But then again I was eight years old at the time and I didn't fully understand what it meant to be in love. The only love I ever knew was the love my parents showed me everyday and the love they had for each other.  

 

My favorite part of the day was waking up and going downstairs to see my parents cooking breakfast, laughing and smiling. I would sit at the kitchen bar and just watch them as they cooked. They moved in a way that made it seem like they could read each others minds. One would move and the other responded before it even happened. I loved to watch them interact, the way my mom would make fun of my dad for getting bacon grease on his shirt or him flipping pancakes in the air like a master chef. Except most of them landed on floor which caused my mom to complain but it was always with a smile on her face. I loved my parents more than anything in the world, they were my world. I didn't have any siblings to share them with but I didn't care because they were all I needed.


	2. The Day Everything Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Lexa and Clarke meet.

The day of the Polis Christmas bash has arrived and my parents are rushing me to get ready. They are going to some fancy dinner with their coworkers from the hospital. My parents are world renowned doctors at Polis General Hospital and this year they are winning some kind of award or something. I'm not quite sure, so that's why we're missing the Christmas bash this year. We've never gone a year without going to the bash before. Mom and Dad say they are going to drop me off at their coworkers house, the Griffins I think. I haven't met them before but mother says they have a daughter my age so I'll at least have someone there to do stuff with.   
Hopefully she isn't like everyone else is at my school. No one there likes me because I'm not social and tend to keep my emotions inside. I'm also really smart for my age and Mother always asks me why I never invite friends over and it's cause I don't have any. I tell her they don't understand me and she says that I should learn to give people a chance and that "who knows maybe someone will surprise you" but I doubt it. I have yet to meet someone who hasn't judged me before they even met me. 

"Alexa, are you ready yet?" Father calls for me from downstairs.

"Just a second Father!" I yell back as I grab my jacket from my closet and make my way out of my bedroom. As I walk downstairs I see mother and father dressed in fancy clothes. Mother has on a red dress that flows when she walks and a matching red scarf. Father is wearing a black suit with a red tie to match mothers dress. I start to get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Noticing my reaction my mother walks towards me.

"Alexa dear, what's wrong? You look sick." She puts her hand to my forehead to feel for a fever. 

"Oh no, I'm fine Mother, you two look incredible though." I say smiling to let her know I'm okay.

"Thank you sweetie, it's cold out there, the news says they are calling for a snow storm so make sure you stay bundled up. I wouldn't want you to catch a cold at the Griffins house while we're gone." My mother hands me an even bigger winter jacket than the one I'm wearing.

"Honey we need to go or otherwise we will be late." My father says while pushing us out the door to the car.

On our way to the Griffins house we all start singing Christmas carols that are playing on the radio. I can't help but giggle at how goofy my father looks while he sings. He flings his arms around and makes ridiculous faces. Me and mother end up copying him which causes all of us to start laughing.

Christmas is always my favorite holiday cause it's when I see my parents the most, when they aren't so busy at the hospital. I understand that they are saving lives which makes me proud to be their daughter, but I also miss them a lot. So when Christmas is here I am overjoyed at the time we get to spend together. It's days like today that make me truly happy.

We finally arrive at the Griffins house and I can't help but stare in awe. They have a three story house with a wraparound porch and balcony. The house looks like something you'd see in a home country magazine. It is amazing. My father sees my face and chuckles.

"Yeah, it's certainly beautiful. I heard they inherited the house form Jake Griffins side of the family. I believe it used to be his grandmothers house and after she passed it was left to him." I just simply nod as he talks, a little intimidated by the people that live in this house. I'm starting to become nervous. "Alright Alexa, no more gawking, let's go get the Griffins and get to this dinner. I'll just be glad when this is finally over." My father huffs as he gets out the car. I reach for the bag my mother brought for me and follow him towards the house. I can't help but fidget nervously as he rings the doorbell. A little or a minute later the door flies open revealing a blonde girl that looks to be about the same age as me. My eyes widen a little and palms start to sweat. My heart feels like its going to beat out of my chest. I need to calm down. 

"Mom! Dad! The Heda's are here!" The blonde girl yells out to her parents and then turns back towards us. "You can come in, they'll be down in a minute." She holds the door open as we all go to walk in. As I start to walk through the doorway I can't help but stare at her, just now noticing her blue eyes. They are beautiful and seem to sparkle in the light. She notices my stare and I quickly look away. That's when her parents finally come down the stairs looking just as fancy as mine.

"Gustus! Indra! You two look great! And this must be Alexa she is just as beautiful as you described." Mrs. Griffin smiles at me holding her hand out for me to shake.

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. Griffin." I say shaking her hand trying to be as polite as possible. 

"Oh please call me Abby, no one calls me Mrs. Griffin." Abby says flashing another smile and slightly waving her hand as if dismissing the idea.

"Okay Abby, thank you for letting me stay here for awhile." I smile back at her. She seems nice.

"Oh it's no problem at all, I'm sure my daughter Clarke will love the company. My sister Anya will be here if you need anything." I nod letting her know I understand. When really I keep hearing the name Clarke in my head. That must be the blonde girls name, who somehow seems to have disappeared during the introductions.   
Mr. Griffin looks at his watch and states that they need to leave and they all start to rush out the door. My mother turns to me and kisses my forehead telling me to be good and that they'll be back in a few hours.  Again I get that weird feeling in my stomach as I watch them all pile into the car and drive away. 

After a couple minutes of standing by the door I start to wonder what I should do for the next couple of hours. As you enter the house there's a sitting area to the right and to the left is a staircase leading to the second floor. I decide to just walk down the hall which is in the center and it ends up leading me to a huge kitchen on the right that is also connected to the living room and dining room on the left. I look over the living room and see a blonde head sitting on one of the couches. I debate on whether I should talk to her or not. Most people find my personality off putting and just thinking about Clarke also being one of those people makes me feel sick but I keep picturing those blue eyes in my head. As if in a daze I start to make my way towards her. My heart never stopping its erratic beating. Upon entry she turns her head towards me and I notice that she was drawing on a sketch pad. She looks at me like no one has ever done before and im starting to think I'm in the beginning stages of a heart attack. Not knowing what to do or say I stretch out my hand to her. 

" I'm Alexa." I say after a moment of intense silence. She looks down to my outstretched hand for a second and then gently takes it in her own. I nearly jump out of my skin when my hand starts to tingle as she touches me but I try to ignore it.

"Clarke," she says and then drops my hand. "So Alexa, that name's kind of a mouthful, do you care if I just call you Lexa?" She asks. My body stiffens a little, I've never been given a nickname before. Not every by my parents. I feel my lips twitch into a small smile.

"Sure Lexa's fine." I say as I try to keep myself from fully smiling. I'm usually better at hiding my emotions. I think she notices this as a small spreads on her facets well. And I have to say it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

"You can sit down if you'd like. I can put in a movie or we could do something else?" She suggests after a minute of silence.

I manage to break free of my haze after seeing her smile and manage to reply, " a movie sounds good." I take off my jacket and I go to sit on the larger couch beside hers not wanting to risk crossing any boundaries. What is this girl doing to me? I've never felt like this before. What is this? 

Clarke walks over to the tv and puts in a movie. Then she sits down on the opposite side of the couch I'm on. The movie starts to play and I can't help but occasionally glance over at Clarke. I don't understand what's going on with me. She feels my stare and looks over at me but I quickly look away to the tv to see Mulan is playing.

"I hope you don't mind, I have a weakness for Disney  movies." She smiles shyly. My hearts beats a little faster when I see it. 

"I don't mind. Mulan is my favorite Disney movie." I admit to her. She looks at me and smiles widely and says, "mine too."

We sit and watch the rest of the movie in a comfortable silence. Maybe this is what my mother meant about giving people a chance and them surprising you. Maybe I should give Clarke a chance and we could become friends. The credits start rolling and I look over at Clarke to see her already looking at me.

"You know, I've seen you in school before, during lunch, but you're always by yourself. How come?" She asks me. I'm completely surprised, I had no idea we went to the same school or that she's seen me before. Why have I never seen her? I would've remembered seeing someone like Clarke at my school. 

"I don't have any friends at school and most people avoid me." I say with a shrug. She just nods at my answer like she knows what I mean. Which confuses me. 

"Well I'll be your friend Lexa." She smiles at me and I can't help but smile back at the use of my new nickname. She really is beautiful when she smiles. I internally promise myself to make her smile more often. 

"Most people aren't my friend because they say they don't like me or that I'm too 'moody'" I roll my eyes at the comment and she giggles. I just added her giggling to my promise. 

"Well I don't know about everyone else but I like you just fine Lexa. Plus your favorite Disney movie is Mulan, so how bad can you be?" She says while laughing which causes me to laugh with her. Her laugh is contagious. She holds out her hand to me and asks,"friends?"

I don't understand this girl. How can she like me so soon when everyone else avoids me? This blue eyed, blonde girl wants to be my friend. Clarke Griffin wants to be my friend. My first friend, I can't wait to tell mother. I take her hand in mine and smile while I say,"friends."


	3. I'm All Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa receive horrible news.

The movie ended but I can't say that I watched any of it. I may or may not have been sneaking peaks at Clarke throughout. She is invading my mind and I don't know what to about it. My first friend. This thought brings another smile to my face but I quickly hide it, still not comfortable with freely showing my emotions. 

"Where's your aunt Clarke? I'd like to see if she could call our parents and see how much longer they'll be." I say to try to distract my mind. Although I can still feel the strange twist in my gut I did earlier. It keeps unsettling me. 

Clarke yawns, "Aunt An is probably in her room still. We can check if she's awake, and then I'm gonna go to bed. You can hang out in my room with me if you want, although I can't promise I'll be awake for much longer." She stretches to her feet. "Come on, I'll lead the way." She walks towards the front of the house while I follow closely behind her. 

"So your Aunt lives here with you?" I ask while we climb up the stairs. Mostly to keep Clarke talking to me. I like the sound of her voice. My eyes widen a little at that thought. I'm glad Clarke isn't looking at me cause I'm sure she'd see the redness of my face. 

"Yeah, she moved in a couple weeks ago. I overheard my mom and dad talking the other day, they said she got into a bad fight with her boyfriend and left him. I didn't hear what the fight was about but it must have been bad for her to leave. They were together for a long time. So now she lives her, although I hardly see her."

"How come?" I ask curiously. We start to walk down a long hallway that passes by a room that catches my eye. It has a huge canopy bed in the center with paper lanterns hanging from the ceiling. There are easels lined up on the far wall and artwork everywhere. "Is this your room?" My mouth drops in awe. She stops her walking and looks back at me nodding her head, "Its amazing. Did you draw all those?" I ask while pointing at the art on display. 

"Yeah I did. I've always loved to draw, my Dad is a really good artist and I used to watch him paint since I was a baby. I wanted to be just like him and I still do." She smiles at me and I can't help but return it. 

"Well your dad must be incredible because you are really talented Clarke." Her face turns red and she looks down to her feet and fiddles with the hem of her shirt. 

"Thanks." She mutters as she turns around quickly to keep walking down the hallway. "I don't see Anya because she works during the day and then leaves to go out at night. I've heard my mom complain to her that she goes out drinking and partying too much. I think she's still upset about her breakup. I worry about her." She says answering my forgotten question from earlier. "We used to be really close until she started to push me away. I don't think she wants me to see her this way." She sighs and I can hear the sadness in her voice. I wish I could take the sadness from her.   
At the end of the hallway theres a little rest areas that's kind of like a mini living room and then another set of stairs that I assume lead to the third floor. I still can't get over how amazing this house is.

"What's up there?" I ask.

"Just my parents room, my dad's art studio, and now Aunt An's room. Come on, we're almost there." She walks up the next set of stairs. We reach the top and she stops at the first door on the right, "well here we are," she points at the door, where we can hear someone talking. "I guess she's on the phone. At least we know she's awake." Clarke shrugs.

Behind the door we can hear her aunt talking, but we can't hear everything she is saying, "what do you mean...that can't be...no,no...oh god this can't be happening...okay,... okay I'm on my way" her aunt sounds really upset. Like someone just told her the worst thing that could ever happen. That all too familiar feeling starts to grow in my stomach. I look at Clarke and see she is as worried as I am. Something's wrong. Clarke knocks on the door and opens it slowly.

"Aunt An, what's going on? Are you okay?" As the door opens further we can see her aunt gripping her phone to her chest as tears are falling down her face. She looks up at us and the first thing I notice is how similar she looks to Abby. Standing slowly she walks towards us, I press a hand to my stomach afraid I'm gonna be sick. Something is really wrong. "Aunt An, why are you crying?" Clarke questions her aunt but I can hear her voice cracking. 

"I'm so sorry girls," Anya says, barely louder than a whisper, "your parents...they were on their way back from the dinner and they...they were hit by a drunk truck driver. They were sent to the hospital..." At this point I can't hear anything else Anya says to us. My mind goes blank. I can't move. I can't breathe. What does she mean? Are they okay? Where's my mother and father?

Next thing I know I'm being led out of the house to a car on our way to the hospital. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to think. What's happening? Nothing is making any sense. One second I'm smiling at Clarke and the next my parents are... my parents are, I can't think like that. They are fine, yeah they'll be fine. I slowly look over to the seat next to me and see Clarke sobbing into her hands. Without thinking I reach over and take one of her hands in mine. She looks at me, her blue eyes dull now without their sparkle. We don't say anything the whole drive to the hospital. Afraid of what we'll see when we get there, we desperately squeeze the hand we are holding. They are fine. They are fine. They are fine. 

Again I find myself unaware of what's happening around me. Sounds are mixing together with colors of the world. My mind is clouded by what I don't know and what I'll soon find out. The only thing keeping me grounded is Clarke's hand in mine. Reminding me I'm not alone.

As we enter the hospital everyone is in a frenzy. Nurses are running through the hallways while patients are being wheeled around on beds. Some people are crying while others are waiting to be admitted from some injury or another. My heart starts racing and my lungs are gasping for air. Where are you mother and father? I need you.

"Wait here." Anya says to me and Clarke as she walks over to speak to a doctor by the reception desk. I can feel Clarke's hand start to shake and I hold it tighter. I don't look at her, for if I do I might break. Anya talks to the doctor for a couple minutes and I can tell by her facial expressions that what he's saying isn't good news. Anya then glances at me and the look in her eyes tells me everything I need to know. They are gone. The air rushes out of me as I fall to my knees.

My mother who would tuck me in at night and sing me songs to soothe me to sleep when I was little. My father who would lift me on his shoulders and run around laughing and playing. My mother and father are gone. They left me. I'm all alone.

I feel a tug on my hand and turn to see Clarke on the floor beside me, her body pressed into her aunts side. Someone clears their throat and I look up to see the same Doctor that was talking to Anya earlier looking down at me. I can see the pity in his eyes. 

"I'm sorry, we did everything we could...I'm really sorry." He says and then walks away. Leaving us with our pain and emptiness. 

"I'm all alone." I say as realization hits me again. I feel a hand on my face and look into Anya's eyes. They are red and puffy. Her angular face stained with tears, make up running down her cheeks.

"No, you're not alone. You're gonna come live with us. I won't let you be alone." It was then that I truly came to realize that I wouldn't see my parents ever again. 

My parents are gone.

My parents are gone.


	4. Everything Has Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa begins her new life. Anya tries to help.

It's only been a week. Seven whole days since my parents died. Since they vanished from the life forever. Every day seems to pass by like a blur. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same. Not even me. Nothing makes sense and I find myself not knowing what to do anymore. It's like I'm slowly drowning in a world that's not my own. 

After my parents...died everything basically became a mess.

My home is now no longer my home. I'm standing in the doorway of what used to be my home, my safe haven, but now, there's nothing. Just a reflection of my own heart: emptiness. There's no furnitures. No pictures. No mother. No father. Nothing but the sound of my own beating heart, reminding me that I'm alive while my parents are dead. I close my eyes and I will myself to imagine them in the kitchen cooking me breakfast, just like they did that morning, but when I open my eyes there's nothing. Not a single thing. 

I haven't spoken a word since leaving the hospital. I don't know what to say anymore. It's like if I talk it'll make everything feel too real. I don't want to feel it. I don't want this pain. This weakness. If this is what I'll feel when I lose someone I love, then I don't want to ever love again. Love is pain. Love is weakness.

After we received the news at the hospital, Anya took us back to the Griffin's house. She managed to get Clarke to fall asleep, she didn't stop crying since hearing the news. I couldn't seem to cry at all. My emotions just shut down, locked away inside of myself. I sat still on the couch in the living room, numb to everything around me, not knowing what to do with myself. All I could do was stare out into an empty void. Hoping for something familiar. Something to pull me out of this dark place. 

Anya sat down next to me, giving me space so as not to crowd me.

"Clarke told me your name is Lexa. That's a very pretty name." I kept sitting there not looking at her but I nodded slightly so she knew I was listening. "I know this is very confusing Lexa and I know how you must feeling. You feel like you're all alone and that you don't know what you're supposed to do from now on. I too lost my parents at a very young age. It's not something any kid should have to go through. You feel like there's no one left to care about you. Me and Abby..." She sniffled at her name. "After they died, we were put in a foster home with a bunch of people and kids we didn't know. We only had eachother. Moving from place to place, not knowing if we would ever have a family again. If we would have a roof over our head or food to eat that night. It's not how a kid should grow up. I refuse to let you grow up that way Lexa, and I refuse to let you be left alone." She gently put her hand on my cheek and knelt down in front of me. Tears slowly falling down her face. "No matter what you're feeling right now Lexa, I promise you, I will take care of you. You and Clarke. I will not let you two be alone." I looked down at that woman that I barely knew and I felt like I could believe her. I really didn't want to be alone. I was afraid and I still am. So I gave her a small nod, trying to keep my emotions off my face. She gave me a small smile. "Come on Lexa." She grabbed my hand, and lead me to the stairs. "You can stay in the guest room tonight, it's next door to Clarke's room, until we can figure out what to do from there. Just know that if you need to talk to anyone or if you need anything, anything at all, you can come to me, okay?" She took me to my temporary room,"Goodnight Lexa."

So there I was. On a bed that I wasn't familiar with, in a house that wasn't my home, with people I had just met that day. And yet I couldn't help but think about Clarke and if she was okay. She probably wasn't. Who would be after what happened? I silently promised myself to check on her. 

The whole week was spent trying to figure out what was going to happen to me. I was scared because I didn't want to be taken away to live with strangers. Even though I don't really know Anya, I would rather live with her than a bunch of other children. Anya spent a lot of time contacting lawyers and some other government people I didn't know to try and keep her promise to me. I was dragged around to places I had never been while people with fancy clothes talked about things I didn't understand. Anya did her best to explain to me what was happening but it was all just so overwhelming. 

It took a couple days, and long hours, but they eventually let her become my temporary guardian, since I have no other living relative, until I turn 18. After that I am on my own. My parents will stated that I was to inherit everything they own, but the house was to be sold and the money to be put towards my college fund. Everything in the house was packed away into a storage unit that wouldn't be opened until my 18th birthday. As people started to pack everything from my house to a truck I couldn't help but think that this was all just a bad dream and that I would eventually wake up. I'd wake up and see my parents happy smiling faces and they'd tell me they loved me and I'd hug them and tell them I loved them back. Except this wasn't a dream.

My stuff was then moved into the guest room at the Griffin's which was now my new room that I'll be living in for the next ten years.

"Hey Lexa, you ready to go?" Anya said bringing me back to reality. I took one last look into my house and nodded my head. I turned around and willed myself into the car as Anya drove away. I forced myself not to look back.


	5. It's Okay To Cry Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa has her first anxiety attack. Clarke is there to help her.

"Clarke, Lexa, come down and eat!" Anya calls from downstairs. Ever since we got back from my house, well I should say my old house now I guess, I've been in my new room, laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I hear feet shuffling on the other side of my wall and then a door open and close. I haven't seen Clarke much in the past week. Even though I silently check on her every once in awhile. She doesn't leave her room much, and I don't blame her. The world outside these four walls just makes everything feel too real. I take a deep breath to prepare myself and go down to eat, even though I haven't really had an appetite all week. Maybe today will be different. 

I walk into the kitchen and see Anya and Clarke sitting at the bar eating pizza...again. We've been eating takeout all week, I'm assuming Anya can't cook. I sit down on the empty chair next to Clarke and take small bites of the pizza on my plate. I guess I'm still not that hungry after all.

"I know the food is not much, but it's the best I can do for right now. I've never been that great of a cook but I've applied for cooking classes so you guys won't have to eat take out every night." She says trying to lighten the mood but then ends up sighing. "I know this situation must be strange and confusing but I just want you guys to know that I am here for you. I never had any kids of my own so you'll have to bare with me. This is as new to me as it is for you but I'm willing to try my best." Anya says looking both of us in our eyes. I could tell that she was trying. "Also you go back to school tomorrow but if it's too much for you just let someone at the school know and they can call me to come get you." And for once I actually didn't mind going back to school. At least everything and everyone there will be normal. At least I hope. I just really need something to feel normal. 

>>

As I open my eyes I notice that I'm in my old room. How am I here? What's going on? How did I get here? Was my parents dying just a really bad dream? I jump out of bed and run straight down the stairs and then I stop in my tracks. In the kitchen are my mother and father with their backs towards me. It really was a bad dream! They are alive!

"Mother! Father! You guys are okay!" Before I could run towards them they slowly turn around and I scream. They are completely covered in blood, their arms and legs are bent the wrong way and they are missing their eyes. The blood is pouring down their face and dripping onto the floor. I try to run away but everywhere I turn they are standing in front of me, it feels like they are slowly sucking out my soul. I can't stop screaming.

"This is all your fault Alexa. You knew something was wrong. This is all your fault. You should've stopped us. Warned us. Why didn't you warn us?" They say at the same time, moving slowly towards me. 

"No! No! I didn't know.. It was just a bad feeling..I didn't know.. I love you I didn't want this!" I can't stop the tears that are pouring from eyes. I didn't want them to die. I didn't know! I didn't know! I didn't know...

"We are dead because of you Alexa. It's all your fault." Over and over they keep repeating "its all your fault." My hands are pressed to my ears trying to block out the voices. I squeeze my eyes shut and frantically shake my head back and forth. This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

"I didn't know! I didn't know.." I'm ripped from my nightmare when I feel someone shake me. My eyes shoot open and I sit up quickly in my bed, all I see is darkness. The air is sucked from my lungs. I start to panic. I can't breathe. I can't seem to catch my breath and I panic even more. Why can't I breathe? My whole body is shaking, and I can't control it. What's happening to me? That's when I feel someone put their soft hands on my face and I look up in front of me to see Clarke staring back at me. What's she doing here? Then she does something I didn't expect, she starts to sing. 

Hush-a-bye Don't you cry Go to sleep, my little baby When you wakeYou shall have All the pretty little ponies. 

In your bed Momma said Baby's riding off to dreamland One by one They've begun Dance and prance for little baby

Blacks and bays Dapples and greys Running in the night When you wake You shall have All the pretty little ponies. 

As she sang the lullaby to me I could feel my breathing go back to normal. It was like she cast a spell on me that calmed me down. Her soft voice reached into my mind and pulled me back out of it. Her hands were still on my face and she just looked at me and I could see in her eyes is what I now see in my own. Pain. Loneliness. And maybe even hope. Hope that everything will be okay. She took her hands off my face and grabbed my hands.

"It's okay to cry Lexa," She gently squeezed my hands, "let it out." As she said that something inside me finally unlocked and I couldn't stop it anymore. Tears streamed down my face as sobs escaped my throat. Clarke pulls me to her and holds me tight. "Let it out Lexa" and I start to cry even harder. The last person to hold me like this was my mother. 

She kept whispering to me to let it all out and I did. I don't know how long I cried for, all I know is I eventually cried myself to sleep, still in Clarke's arms.


	6. Never Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets hurt. Lexa makes a decision.

When I woke up the next morning Clarke was gone. I wonder if what happened was just my imagination. I can still remember the lullaby that she sang to me. I've never heard it before so it must have been real. How did she know I had a nightmare? Most of my nights are filled with them but last nights was the worse. It just felt so...real. I can still hear them saying its all your fault. I've never had a reaction that bad to my dreams before, I don't know what that was. It was terrifying. It was like I couldn't control my body anymore. But for some reason Clarke was able to calm me down. She somehow managed to give me control again. It was like just having her next to me seemed to keep the nightmares away. 

So today is our first day back to school and all my hopes of it being normal were wiped away the second we walked in the front door. Everyone seemed to stop what they were doing all at once to stare at us. No matter where we go I can see people giving us that look. The look of pity. I can see it in their eyes. It's like they can only see a helpless child who lost her parents too young. I'm really starting to hate that look. I don't want their pity. I just want to be left alone and to be ignored like I used to be. Is it too much to ask for everything to go back to normal? Or at least as normal as it can get. I'm starting to miss being an outcast. 

It's recess time now and I really don't want to be looked at by everyone anymore. I start to explore around the school walls and find a nice empty area to sit in peace. I look up at the bright, blue sky and close my eyes. 'Finally all alone.' Not two seconds later, my peace is interrupted by the two people I hate the most at this school. I couldn't even have one minute to myself today. 

"Well if it isn't orphan girl Alexa" Murphy says with his sidekick who's name I don't care enough to know. "How does it feel to know your parents are dead orphan girl? Are you over here crying like a baby? Huh orphan girl?" He pushes me to the ground. I can feel my tears threatening to spill over but I will not let them see me weak. I stand up and face Murphy making my face as emotionless as possible. I won't let him get to me. "You think you're tough orphan girl? You are pathetic." He pulls his arm back to hit me but before he can he gets tackled to the ground by Clarke. Where did she come from?

"Run Lexa! Get a teacher!" She yells at me and I immediately run for a teacher. I sprint to where the teachers usually stand as the kids play during recess time. I spot my teacher Ms. Allie and grab her hand and pull her with me. I can feel that twist forming in my stomach and I think I might puke. I drop Ms. Allie's hand not looking to see if she's still following me. 'Clarke,' I keep repeating her name in my head and I run to where I left her. When I turn the corner of the school building I see her lying on the ground and there is no sign of Murphy or his sidekick. I scramble towards Clarke and turn her over and I gasp at what I see.  She has blood from scratches on her face and I can see bruises forming on her cheeks. One of her eyes looks swelled shut. This is my fault. I did this. I shouldn't have run away. This happened because of me. She slowly opens her good eye and when she sees me she shakily smiles. Why is she smiling? She should be angry with me. 

"You're okay. I'm glad." she says and I start to cry. I then realize that she was protecting me. This small fragile girl was protecting me from getting hurt by those bullies.

"Stupid...stupid...why did you do that? You're so stupid." I hug her to me. "This is my fault I shouldn't have run. You're hurt because of me."

"It's not your fault Lexa, I'm just glad you're okay." She slowly closes her eyes and falls limp in my arms.

"Clarke! Clarke!" My teacher, Ms. Allie, finally catches up to me after I ran back to Clarke. She kneels beside me and checks on Clarke in my arms but I was barely paying attention to her. My focus was solely on Clarke. Making sure that she is okay. I can feel anger start to rise within me. 'How dare Murphy do this to her!'

"Alexa sweetie, I need to take Clarke to the nurses office. She will be okay she is just passed out but she needs to get looked at." She puts her hand on my shoulder and I reluctantly let her pick up Clarke from my arms and head to the nurses office. I follow as quickly as I can after her, I will not leave Clarke's side again. Never again.

The nurse looks over Clarke's injuries and says that there isn't anything major and it mostly consists of bruises and cuts. She also says she passed out due to the pain to her face but that the bruising should vanish in a couple weeks. I can't help but blame myself for this. She shouldn't have been there. She shouldn't have gotten involved with me. Everyone who gets close to me gets hurts. And I couldn't live with myself if something even worse happened to Clarke because of me.

I hear the door to the nurses office open and I see Anya walk in. She rushes over to Clarke and inspects her injuries. She brushes some of her blonde hair out of her face. I'm frozen in my chair next to the bed. I know Anya must blame me for this.

"Oh Clarke. Who did this to you?" Anya whispers.

"I did." Anya's head snaps up towards me in disbelief. Probably cause I've never spoken to her before. "Clarke is hurt because of me. She was protecting me from these jerks in my class. They were teasing me about my parents and one tried to hit me but Clarke stopped him. She told me to run and get help, so I did. But I shouldn't have run away I should've stayed and protected her. Why didn't I stay and protect her? This is all my fault Anya, everyone I care about gets hurt and now Clarke got hurt because of me!" I can't stop the tears from falling down my face. Before I know it Anya has me wrapped in a hug.

"Lexa, this isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. You hear me? Never think that ever again." She just holds me tighter. I nod on her shoulder while my tears soak her shirt. She slowly pulls back and looks at me while wiping away the tears on my face.

"Anya, I want to learn how to fight. Not to hurt people but so I can protect Clarke. I won't ever let anyone hurt her ever again. I swear it on my life." I give her a serious look. One full of determination. She gives me a soft smile, one I've never seen before.

"Okay Lexa. Let's teach you how to fight."


	7. You and Me Together Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa make a pact.

Me and Anya end up taking Clarke home after the nurse said she was okay. She still hasn't woken up yet which is worrying me even though Anya says she's fine. I can't help but still blame myself for what happened. I don't know what I'd do if something really bad happened to Clarke. Or Anya. They've been nothing but nice to me since I've been living in their home. My new home.   
When we get home Anya carries Clarke to her room and tucks her into bed. She seems nervous to leave her alone.

"I'll stay with her Anya. I'll take care of her." I say after she hands me an ice pack and some bandages. 

"Okay Lexa, call for me if she's in pain. I'll be in my room." She ruffles my hair as she leaves. Once the door closes I look back at Clarke. She looks so peaceful when she's sleeping, like the events of today never even happened. Even with all the bruises and scratches she still looks so beautiful. Like an angel. My angel. 

"I promise you Clarke, as long as I live I will never ever let anyone ever touch you again. I swear it." I grab her hand and hold it in mine. Her face starts to scrunch up and she lets out a muffled whine. Then she shoots up in her bed almost hitting me in the head. "Clarke it's okay! You're okay! I promise." She finally looks at me and she relaxes.

"Lexa" she gives me that contagious smile and squeezes my hand that's still holding hers. "I'm so glad you're alright. I saw Murphy push you down and I didn't want to see him hurt you. I just reacted I've never tackled anyone before it kinda hurts." She laughs a little while rubbing her shoulder.  

"I should've stayed, I shouldn't have left you there. I could've protected you from him but now you're hurt because of me." The tears escape down my face. "it's all my fault. Everything is my fault."

"Lexa no. It's not your fault. I told you to get help and you did. What Murphy did isn't your fault." She puts her hands on my face like she did when I had that nightmare. I instantly feel myself calming down.

"Why did you protect me?" My voice cracks as I look into her blue eyes. Searching for something, I'm not sure of yet. She smiles at me again and wipes the tears off my face.

"Because Lexa, we're family now. And family protects one another. You ,me, and Anya are a family and there's nothing I wouldn't do for my family."

A family. We are a family. I never thought I'd have a family again. Not after losing my parents but Clarke wants me to be in hers. Even though my head keeps telling me it isn't safe and I shouldn't let anyone else in. But the more I look into those blue eyes the more I see the truth of her words.

"Family." I smile back at her and she pulls me into her arms and holds me like I've never been held before.

"You and me, together forever." I nod my head on her shoulder. 

"Forever."


	8. She Became My Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 8 years later.

They say that time heals all wounds, but what of the wounds that are so deeply embedded into your heart that there's no way to reach them. What happens to them? Left uncared for do they begin to fester and bleed? Your heart is forever changed by the loss of those you've loved and will never see again. How does one even fathom the amount of time it would take to heal such wounds? I didn't think it possible, until I let Clarke into my heart. Her love soothed my aches and sewed together the gashes left bleeding. She became my new heart. The one I had been subconsciously looking for my whole life. 

Even though I lost everything at the young age of eight, I also gained a new family. Clarke and Anya became the only two people who I could rely on and over the years we grew closer.   
After Clarke got injured by our bullies in elementary school, Anya kept her word and taught me how to fight. When I asked her that I wanted to learn I never expected that it would be her that would teach me. She once told me that as a child, when her and Abby were in the orphanage, that some of their caretakers were very abusive. Anya found one of them hitting Abby one day and she ended up breaking his nose, grabbing Abby and running away. After that she learned how to fight and swore to protect her older sister who only ever wanted to help people. She used to tell me that Abby was always the healer and that she was the protecter. We spent many days and long hours sparring in the backyard. I wasn't very good at first but over the years I ended up being able to best Anya. She told me I was a natural born fighter and that she was proud of me. I finally felt like I had found my place in the world. Anya became like an older sister to me, always knowing my thoughts before I even thought them. She guided me through the worst of times and helped me channel my anger into complete control over my emotions. 

And then there was Clarke Griffin. After we made our promise to always be together we grew closer than I ever thought two people could. We became bestfriends practically inseparable. When I had my first fit (which is what I call my anxiety attacks) after having that nightmare I was diagnosed with anxiety by my doctor, that Clarke and I were assigned to after the accident. Every time I had that nightmare I'd wake up to having a fit and Clarke would always be there to help me through them. She was the only one who could get through to me during my episodes. There was nothing that Clarke couldn't do for me or I for her. She became my everything.

As time passed my feelings for Clarke became very confusing for me. I always thought that what I felt for her was how someone feels about their family but how I feel for her is much more than that. It's like feeling the sun warm your skin on a cold day or the soft sound of rain splashing on the ground. It's the earth and the stars in the sky and smell of spring flowers. It's everything and yet it's also untouchable. Like if you tried to reach for it it would move beyond your grasp. So you yearn for its unattainable embrace.

It wasn't until I was 16 years old starting a new year of high school that I learned how I truly feel for Clarke. It took me eight long years of being with her to learn that I wanted to be more with her. And yet not everything works out the way you hope it will. Cause when you reach for that untouchable love you risk falling into the pit of despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the first part of the story. There will be a eight year time skip in the next chapter. Clarke and Lexa will be 16 and starting their junior year of highschool together. Throughout the story there will be some flashbacks of moments throughout the 8 years that are skipped.


	9. Well, here goes nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's eight years later now, Clarke and Lexa start a new year of highschool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to make the chapters longer now that the first part is over. Let me know what you think even if you think it sucks.

Beep...beep...beep. My alarm schreeches annoyingly. 

Ugh...of course just another reminder that today is the first day of school. Who doesn't like school though? Oh yeah that's right, everyone. It's okay Lexa, just remember you have two more years left and then you can finally go to college and become a doctor. Just two more long painful years of teen adolescents and highschool drama. I sincerely hope I can survive that long. Going to school is like trying to survive in the apocalypse. It may sound like it would be fun at first but once it happens you're most likely gonna die...of boredom. 

My thoughts are interrupted by my door flinging open and Clarke runs in jumping on my bed. 

"Lex, get up sleepy head, come on we gotta get ready for school!" She says as she jumps up and down on my mattress.

"Five more minutes Clarke." I grumble trying to bury myself under my blanket. I'm definitely not a morning person.

"Lexa I'm warning you, if you don't get up I'll have to use my secret weapon."

I peek my head out of my blanket, "you wouldn't."

She raises a perfect blonde eyebrow at me, " oh I would." She grins deviously. I squint my eyes at her and grip my blanket tighter around me but to no avail. In the blink of an eye she rips my blanket out of my hands and starts tickling my sides. "You shouldn't underestimate me Lex, now you asked for it!" I try to struggle out of her attack but she has me pinned down. The giggles are threatening to escape my mouth. 

"Poor Commander, being taken down by little ol' me. What would the people say? Oh, the outrage!" Clarke is always such a drama queen. 

"Clarke...stop okay you win, I surrender!" I can't stop laughing and my breathing is heavy from trying to catch my breath. She stops her assault, which gives me an opening to swiftly reverse our position. Now I have her pinned.  
"Rule number one Clarke. You should never let your guard down." I give her my signature smirk.

"You think you've won, and yet look who is now awake Commander" she puts emphasis on commander which causes me to blush, she knows how much that nickname embarrasses me. "Seriously though get off me you're heavy and we really need to get ready for school." She shoves me off her and goes to leave my room.

"You're never going to let me live that name down are you?" I shout after her. She peeks her head back in my doorway and says, "never." I groan which causes her to giggle and run to her room to get ready for school. Oh yeah, school, I almost forgot. Almost. I don't know why Clarke is always so excited to go to school. It literally teaches you nothing and it definitely doesn't prepare you for life after you graduate. What's the point of learning useless information that you're just going to forget the second you receive your diploma? I'll never understand.  
   
I make my way downstairs to the kitchen freshly showered, dressed and subconsciously preparing myself for the onslaught of teenage hormones. I see Clarke in the kitchen preparing our lunches for the day. I grin to myself when an idea pops in my head as I slowly make my way towards her. My steps are as quite as possible. Just as I'm about to scare her she says, "I know you're there Lex." She didn't even turn around.

"How the hell do you always know I'm gonna scare you?" I've never been able to catch Clarke unawares. It's baffling. I've been trying to surprise her since we were ten years old and not once have I succeeded. One part of my training with Anya was to learn stealth and I used Clarke as my practice dummy. Yet not once was I ever able to catch her by surprise. 

She turns around and hands me my lunch while giving me her perfect smile. I sware her smile never ceases to amaze me. "Because I know you Lexa. Besides, you were never able to beat me at hide and seek also." I scoff at her remark.

"I almost had you that time." I grumble as we make our way towards the front door. As we leave the house I can hear her laugh at me.  
"Okay Lexa. Whatever you say." She keeps laughing and I give her a playful glare.

"One of these days Griffin I promise you I will succeed in scaring you."

"I look forward to that day Heda." I give her a playful glare. She is totally mocking me. Oh it's so on.  
   
Me and Clarke attend Polis highschool, home of the Warriors. Luckily for us the school is only a ten minute walk from our house so we don't have to ride a bus there and back.

"Are O and Raven gonna meet us at the front of the school?" I ask Clarke when we get about two minutes from the entrance.

"They said they would but by the time we get there they're probably gonna be sucking each other's faces off." Clarke and Octavia have been friends since before I moved in. It took me awhile to trust her but I saw how genuine she was towards Clarke, so we eventually became friends. Raven moved to Polis when we were in middle school. Me and her became surprisingly fast friends. She punched Murphy in the face when he was teasing me on her first day in the new school. We both bonded over the fact that they we are both highly sarcastic and I also introduced her to Octavia. Raven was in love with her from that very moment. It was quite hilarious to see he spout cheesy lines at her all day. Octavia loved it although she still won't admit it to this day. They officially started dating last year. They literally never keep their hands off each other. I am happy for them but seriously there is a limit to how much of your tongue you should shove down someone's throat. 

As if on cue, Clarke and I spot the couple by the school entrance in a very heated make out session.

"Told you." Clarke says while rummaging in her bag for something. "Hold on, I've come prepared this year." She pulls out a spray bottle and walks over to the couple, who are still making out. She sprays them with the bottle of water and they jump apart in surprise.

"The fuck Griff?" Raven squeals and nearly head butts Octavia.

"We are in a public place and you guys are shoving your tongues down each other throats! You've probably scarred all the freshman for life now. Think of the children!" Clarke exclaims over dramatically. Clarke and I always make a point to try and embarrass or tease them.

"Yeah right, and who could resist this beautiful babe right here? I mean seriously, have you seen her face?" Raven demands and then latches her arm around Octavia who blushes.

"You're such a sap babe." Octavia smiles at her girlfriend.

"Only for you babe, only for you." Raven gives   
Octavia a short kiss.

"Okay seriously, you guys make me want to vomit. Clarke, Why are we friends with them again?" Clarke gives me a mischievous look.

"Obviously for comedic relief Lexa. I mean who else can we openly laugh at and embarrass constantly."

"Whatever, you guys love us don't even deny it." Raven scoffs.

"Eh" I say and Clarke and I begin walking toward the school laughing. We really do love our friends. It's just too much fun to led with them. As we near the building we hear the warning bell that classes are gonna start soon. I groan loudly while Clarke snickers at me. She knows how much I hate school. I nudge her with my elbow playfully and she smiles at me. The only good thing about going to school is that Clarke and our friends are here. Especially Clarke, she always makes everything better. I walk into the entrance and take a deep breath.

Well, here goes nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes ahead of time I'll be fixing it as I go back. I've already spotted errors, whoops. Next chapter will be a continuation of the same day.


	10. This is bad. This is really, really bad.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the school day. Raven says something to Lexa that confuses her. So she asks the one person she knows that can help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little longer than the other chapters. I'm hoping to post at least one chapter a week maybe more depending on my work.  
> Thank you so much for reading this story it's pretty rough but I'm having fun writing it.

Surprisingly, school hasn't been too suffocating so far. My first class is AP English with Mr. Kane, I've had him as a teacher for three years now and he's always been my favorite. Mr. Kane has always been my favorite teacher because he always makes class very enjoyable. He's not overly enthusiastic or overly boring like most English teachers. Clarke is also in the class with me so that's just a bonus. English has always been my best subject because I love to read and to write. Although I could do without all the essays, please and thank you. Oh but of course, he just had to end class by giving us an essay assignment. The prompt is called: Who am I? He wants us to write about who we believe we are as a person and how we perceive ourselves. I have no idea how I'm going to write that assignment. I don't know who I am. It's a good thing it isn't due for another month. Which will probably be filled with deep sighs and self loathing.

Second period I had physics with Mr. Sinclair but he just has everyone call him Sinclair. Thankfully Raven is in that class with me, I literally exhaled in relief when I saw her walk into the room.  Science is definitely not my strong suit even if I find it fascinating. I just can't seem to figure out the equations and laws and blah blah blah. I just like to watch shit explode and Raven is defiantly the queen at explosions. Last year she set off a record for exploding beakers. 

Raven and I automatically became lab partners because she knows without her I would fail miserably. Plus she's also a genius and she'll tell you that any chance she gets. Not that I'm complaining. The class itself wasn't too bad, it was mostly introductions and an overview of what's to be expected over the year. After the class ended Raven and I headed out for our lunch break. We brought our food from home so we don't have to race to get shitty overpriced food from jam packed lunch lines. We are currently waiting for Octavia and Clarke to join us. 

"So Lexa, you interested in anyone?" Raven asks me while we are waiting.

"What do you mean?" I'm not sure where this question came from.

"Oh come on Lexa! I've known you since the sixth grade and I've never heard you talk about anyone that you've liked or found attractive. Not once! That's not normal, everyone finds at least one person attractive. So spill." Raven exclaims leaning closer to me.

"I don't know Raven. I've never really thought about it before. It's not really something that's on my mind. I wouldn't even know what to look for in someone. I don't really understand that kind of thing." I tell her honestly. Romance isn't something that I want or think about. It's not that I haven't found anyone attractive, because I have, it's just that I've never found any boys attractive. At least not in a romantic way but even with girls I haven't found anyone that I've wanted to be involved with romantically. I don't want to experience the pain of love.

"You're not supposed to look for anything Lex.  That's not what being in love with someone is like. So you're telling me you've never even had a crush? Or even just thought of kissing someone? Maybe even someone you've known for most of you're life?" 

"What are you getting at Raven?" I'm not sure what she's talking about. I've never had a significant crush or wanted to kiss anyone. I've never even kissed anyone in the first place.

"I swear Lexa you are so dense sometimes. I'm talking about Clarke! You're totally in love with her!" My eyes open in shock. She thinks I'm in love with Clarke?  

"Clarke is my best friend, I've known her since I was eight years old I'm not in love with her. I do love her like family and I'd do anything for her but that doesn't mean that I'm in love with her Raven." She has no idea what she's talking about. Clarke is the most important person to me but that doesn't mean I'm in love with her. Does it? No of course it doesn't, you don't love her like that Lexa.

"Lexa, you're one of my best friends and I've known you for years now. I'm just telling you what I've seen since we first met. You treat Clarke differently from everyone else. You treat her like I treat Octavia, not as just a friend. All I'm saying Lex, is that you will eventually have to stop lying to yourself. Otherwise you might end up being too late." Before I can ask her what she means by that Clarke and Octavia join us at our table.

"Hey, why the serious faces?" Octavia jokes as she kisses Raven on the cheek.

"Just talking about how miserable Lexa was during physics class. You know how she is when it comes to science." Raven says coolly. Not giving away anything of our previous conversation. 

"Aw poor Lex, at least you have Raven with you." Clarke says patting my cheek trying to console me. Her touch brings me out my thoughts and I begin to fumble over my words. "Ah, yeah...yeah you're right."

"You okay Lex?" She gives me a concerned look and puts both her hands on my cheeks searching my eyes. I already know what she's looking for. "Did you take your medication? I know how first days make you anxious." She says in a hushed voice so as not to be heard by others. It always warms my heart when she worries about me. I put my hands over hers and give them a reassuring squeeze. I do take meds for my anxiety but I haven't had a fit since Anya taught me meditation to balance my emotions. So I don't take them as much I used to but I know Clarke worries regardless. 

"I'm okay Clarke. They are the nurses if I need them. I'll be fine. Just a little overwhelmed at the moment but I'm okay." I smile at her so she knows I'm being genuine. This seems to relax her as she returns my smile and then goes back to talking to Raven and Octavia.

I pretend like I'm paying attention to what's being said during lunch but I can't get what Raven said to me out of my head. I mean, me being in love with Clarke is crazy right? She's my best friend I can't be in love with her. I don't even know what it feels like to be in love. Okay, I really need to talk to someone about this otherwise I might just go crazy. I know exactly who I need to talk to.  
   
The rest of the school day went by as expected. Completely boring. After lunch ended my last two classes were calculus and gym. I didn't have anyone with me for math which is fine because I normally don't talk to anyone besides Clarke, Raven, and O. Gym class was the best part of the day, so at least school ended on a good note. As a junior we're not obligated to take gym but me and Octavia like to exercise and run so we both signed up to have it this year as well. There's nothing like a good workout to help clear your mind of troubles. And by troubles I mean this whole "love" thing. The more I think about it, the more confused I become. I barely remember walking home with Clarke after school was dismissed. I can tell by her face that Clarke knows something is wrong with me but she doesn't ask me what it is. She's always been like that, waiting for me to sort out what's in my head so I can talk to her about it later. I don't think I can tell her about this though. It would make everything between us seem awkward wouldn't it? I mean it's not everyday I get accused of being in love with my bestfriend. So it would be completely weird to speak of this with said bestfriend.

When we get back home Clarke goes straight to her room to start on her new art assignment. She'll probably be busy for a few hours so this is the perfect moment for me to sort out my head.

I go up to Anya's room, crossing my fingers hoping that she's home today. A couple years ago, Anya decided she was going to become a cop. She said it was the best way to provide for Clarke and I. I worry about her a lot because I know how dangerous it is to be a cop. You never know what can happen. As we got older she went up in the ranks and became a detective last year. So it's rare for her to be home during the day. I just hope she's here, I don't know how much longer I can keep all of this in my head.

I knock on her door and sigh in relief when I hear her call out, "come in." I open her door and walk into her room, she looks like she's getting ready to go into the station. She must be working a night shift. 

"Hey Lex, what's up? How was the first day of the new year?" She gives me a playful smirk. Everyone always jabs at me for not liking school. I get straight A's, well except for science which is always a B. So it's not like I'm a delinquent intentionally flunking class. I just don't see the point.

"Ha ha very funny An. You going into work? Cause I was hoping to talk to you about something?" I ask hoping she has time because I feel like my head might explode if I don't let my thoughts out soon. 

"Oh no, is this like that time when you came home from school crying when you were 12 and you thought something was wrong with you because you didn't like any boys in your class? And then I had to go through the process of telling you that you probably didn't like boys and I asked if you liked girls and you said you did. Then you cried harder because you thought that we would hate you." I grumble and push her away playfully. I was 12 when I figured out that I was gay and when I told Anya about what happened when I told someone in my class that I didn't find any boys cute and they called me weird. Anya laughed in my face when I started crying because she said I was crazy for thinking that she would ever hate me for my sexuality. Anya is like my big sister I always come to her for anything and she always seems to know things about me before I even know them. I asked her once how she always does that and she said its cause I remind her of her when she was my age. I take comfort in that because she is my role model and my mentor.

"Why do you alway have to bring that up? I didn't understand that I was gay then An." I pout at her and she ruffles my hair affectionately.

"I know Lex, I'm just messing with you. Alright, so what's on your mind kiddo I gotta go to work in twenty minutes." She sits on her bed and motions for me to join her. I go and sit next to her.

"Anya, what's it like to be in love?" I ask her before I can change my mind. She gives me a surprised look.

"Love huh? What's this all about Lexa?"

"I just, someone said something today that just really struck a cord with me. I can't get it out of my mind. I want to make sense of it but I don't know how. I want to know what it feels like to be in love and maybe by knowing that I can understand what it is that's in my head." I try to explain to her without telling her the major details. I don't want to have that particular conversation just yet.

"I can tell that there's more going on but I'll wait for you to figure this out for yourself. If it was something serious you would of told me so I won't pry. I'm kind of surprised because you've never been interested in knowing about love before. I'm not sure love is something that can be easily explained. Its like trying to explain the unexplainable. It's impossible. There's so many layers to love, the passion, the romance, the heartbreak, the messiness, all these things make up what it is to feel love.

"For me, when I love someone, it's like I can't live without them. It's like everything about that person just makes me feel complete, like they are a part of my soul. And if I lost that part then I would feel like I only had half a soul. There'd be an emptiness that could only be filled by them. Love is also fickle, Lexa. It's always changing and adapting. It's not always easy to be in love. So trust me Lexa, when you're in love with someone, you just know it. You feel it in your heart and your soul. You feel that completeness that only happens when you're with that person. I hope that helps you kid. Just don't be showing up pregnant anytime soon." She jokes and nudges me with her elbow trying to relieve the tension in the air but I can't speak right now.

This is bad. This is really, really bad. Everything that Anya said to me only made me think of one person and one person only.

I'm in love with Clarke Griffin.


	11. Yup, This Is Going To Be A Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa talks more with Anya. Then something unexpected happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had serious writers block.

Oh I am so fucked. How did this happen? What am I going to do? I can't be in love with Clarke that'll ruin everything! Calm down Lexa, calm down. Take a deep breath and don't panic. 

"I can tell from the look on your face that you just realized you're in love with Clarke." Anya's words set me off into a panic. My eyes widen comically and all the blood rushes from my face. Seeing my distress Anya reaches out for me in case I might faint. "Woah Lex, it's okay just breathe. I mean honestly I've been waiting since you were eight years old to admit your feelings for her. I could see the way you were with her in the beginning and especially over the years." 

"How...how did you..?" I finally manage to force words past the lump in my throat. How has everyone noticed my feelings for Clarke except me? Oh god, I think I'm going to throw up. How did I never realize this?

"Like I've always said Lexa, I know you. Better than you know yourself it would appear in this occasion." She chuckles while lightly running her hands on my arms trying to calm my shocked nerves.

"How are you okay with this?" I say in my smallest voice afraid that the other shoe will drop soon. Nothing ever turns out good for me. Ever. How can I expect Anya to be okay with me being in love with Clarke, her only niece and family by blood. Especially with us living in the same house together. My throat dries up thinking of what would happen if this all ends badly. No stop thinking like that Lexa. You know you would never intentionally hurt Clarke. That's the thing though isn't it. Even if I don't intentionally hurt her something could still happen that would be out of my control and there would be nothing I could do to fix it. I can't live without Clarke. I just can't. I won't.

"Lexa stop thinking worst case scenarios and look at me." Anya's commanding voice that she normally only uses during sparring snaps me back into focus. I look up into her eyes and see her face set into a serious expression. I gulp nervously. "I couldn't be more honest when I say I can't imagine Clarke being with someone better than you Lexa. I mean that with my whole heart. I've seen your love for her the past eight years. The way you've protected her and cared for her like family. I've truly been blessed with being able to witness it firsthand. You would do anything for her and I also think you're a damn fool for taking this long to figure it out. Now snap out of it and tell her how you feel already!" She says while playfully slapping the back of my head as if trying to knock some sense into me.

"But..but...there's no way she would feel the same for me Anya! I mean she's Clarke and I'm just..well I'm just me. How could she ever be in love with me?" My voice rising as I stand up and begin to pace anxiously. "How do I know that by me telling her my feelings that it won't ruin our friendship? I can't risk that Anya."

"Oh you poor, poor, blind girl. You truly have no idea do you? I guess that makes sense considering it took you this long to figure out your own feelings."

"What are you talking about Anya?" I ask while slowing my pace. She sighs and gets up from her bed and stands if front of me and stops me in place in front of her.

"I have to go to work, but Lexa I want you to suck it up and tell Clarke how you feel. Trust me when I say that everything will be okay. Don't ruin this chance that you have because you're afraid. Understood?" She gives that look that says she isn't to be messed with. I know that look well.

"Yes I understand." My nerves are finally settling into steely determination. I can never understand how Anya can calm me down so well. Not like with Clarke where she makes me feel at peace. With Anya it's like she pulls out my brave side, the side that makes me want to beat all my fears into submission.

"Good. Alright I'm off, dinner is in the fridge make sure the house is locked after I leave and finish all your homework. Don't stay up too late and no throwing any wild parties while I'm gone. Good luck!" She throws over her shoulder as she leaves. Leaving me to the deafening silence of my insecurities.

Well fuck. Now I just have to tell Clarke I'm in love with her. Right easy peasy. Just walk into her room and say 'hey Clarke guess what? So it turns out I actually love you in a way that's not entirely just friendship based and I may have had secretly suppressed these feelings for years and I've just now come to terms with it. So will you be my girlfriend?'

Yup, this is going to be a disaster.

 

I slowly, yet determinably make my way to Clarkes room, right next door to mine. My heart feels like it's going to burst from chest. When I finally make it to her door, every single nerve in my body is telling me to run away and hide from everything that I'm feeling. Oh god, I can't do this. What if she hates me? What if I have to leave because of my feelings for Clarke? What if I never see her again? I can't live my life without her. I can't. I can't. I can't. 

My legs give out before my vision blurs and then I'm on the floor hyperventilating. The world is spinning around, colors blending together like one of Clarks paintings. Pressure builds in my chest, like a hand that's squeezing my heart from the inside. I can't breathe. I can't. Breathe... 

Hush a bye   
Don't you cry  
Go to sleepy little baby

When you wake  
You shall have  
All the pretty little ponies

The familiar lullaby gently pries the fingers from around my heart. My breathing begins to slow and that's when I feel the gentle hands brushing the tears off my face. 

"That's it lexa, you're okay," I hear her whisper into my ear as she continues the singing to me. After what feels like forever, the world stills and my breathing turns regular. I slowly realize that my head is in Clarke lap and her fingers are gently combing through my hair. I didn't even hear her exit her room. She must of heard me when I collapsed on the floor. "You're okay lex. you really scared me you know." Her voice wavers a little and when I look into her face I can see every emotion running through her eyes. Fear, pain, sadness and relief. It's been years since my last fit and even longer since it was this bad of one. I forgot how much I hated them and what it does to Clarke when I have one. 

"I'm sorry I scared you" i reach my hand up slowly to her cheek and catch the lone tear that fell from her eye. I don't take my hand away, instead I softly caress the side of her face. She's so beautiful. The way her blonde wavy locks cascade around her face and those blue eyes that can see straight Into my soul. I love this woman so much. I can feel my eyes start to fill with tears that threaten to fall any second. "Please, don't leave me." My lip begins to tremble violently as do my hands that are now both cupping her cheeks. 

She mirrors my actions while trying to wipe away the tears that are constantly falling from my eyes to no avail. "Lexa, I would never leave you. You're my family. My best friend." 

"I don't want to be just your friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote a lot of the chapters on here already but I have the next one almost ready. Be prepared for their chat.


	12. Forever Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have a chat. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have rewritten this story from the beginning so if you've read this before I'd suggest rereading it. It's not that different but I have added more to it. Sorry I haven't written more in awhile. I'll try to add more chapters when I can.

Have you ever looked back at your life and wondered how you got to where you are? What choices you made and the all people you've met? How one decision or moment in time can change your life forever? How one person can influence you for the better or for the worse? 

I used to think that caring for someone would only cause you pain and heartbreak. That the price of love was to steep to pay. I tried to close myself off to the world, vowed to never let someone in completely. Never show weakness. For to love someone is weakness. Over the years I learned that I was wrong. Loving someone can cause you pain, but it also can give you incredible strength. The strength to overcome obstacles that you never could before. The strength to be who you are and to love with your whole heart. For to love is to be brace. To take chances. You bet your heart on the chance that the one you love will be with you forever. Sometimes you'll lose that bet but if you never took the chance in the first place then what meaning does your life truly have? I'm finally willing to place my bet today, because I don't want to live my life with the regret that I'll never be with the one I love forever. 

 

"What do you mean Lexa?" Clarke asks me hesitantly. 

Okay, don't panic again Lexa, you're just going to scare her even more. Come on, put on your big girl pants and get your girl! You can do this! Remember what Anya said just tell her how you feel and don't hold back anymore. I'm sick and tired of being afraid all the time. I just want to be with Clarke. I just want Clarke. Place your bet Lexa. 

I pull myself out of her lap into a sitting position right beside her. I can feel her questioning gaze on my face but I know what I need to do. So I grab one of her hands and intertwine our fingers. My eyes lock together with hers and I fully open up my soul to her for the first time without any barriers. Letting her read me like her favorite book, one that she knows so well but learns something new each time she reads it. She's always been able to read me through my eyes and I her. Only this time I let her in completely, so she can read between the lines, and finally discover the moral to my story. Which is that I'm so unequivocally in love with her. My entire soul is filled with her very being. My story is about her and my love for her, from start to finish. There is no me without her, no I without us. The very air I breathe smells of her. The sky is her eyes and the sun her hair, her voice which soothes my dreams and heals my pain. Her touch is the softest silk, and her laugh chases away my demons. Her soul is my soul. Forever entwined. Forever mine. 

When she starts to read my story I hear her gasp and squeeze my hard that's in hers. The longer she reads, the more her hand starts to tremble, and the more moisture gathers in her beautiful blue eyes. When she gets to the end, she is nearly sobbing and has to put her other hand over her mouth to stop them from releasing. My gaze from her never wavers, my truths on full display, never to be hidden away behind barriers again. 

After what feels like an eternity of her flipping through the pages of my life, her life, she returns the book back to my soul. Her hands slowly caress my arms as she lifts them to my cheeks and lightly holds my face on her hands. 

"It's true?" She asks so quietly as if she's afraid that what she read from me might be a lie. 

"Yes." I tell her making sure she knows that I would never lie about my feelings for her. 

"How long?" Our voices never going past a whisper, afraid that if we speak any louder the spell that's been casted around us will break. 

"Since the beginning." A sob finally breaks past her lips and then she throws herself at me, her arms wrapped around my neck and her legs around my waist. I automatically wrap my arms around her, pulling her even closer to me. Her sobs echo throughout the quite hallway and her body is shaking from head to toe. I bury my nose into her neck inhaling her scent, trying not to let my own tears fall. Time seems to stand still in this moment, like Clarke and I are the last two people left on earth. Nothing and no one can take either of us away from the other. Nothing else matters but the girl that is crying her heart out in my arms, shaking like a leaf. I silently stare to myself that I will hold Clarke more often. 

"You're such a dummy, a stupid, idiotic dummy." She pulls back to barely a breath away my face. 

"What.." I never got to finish my question because the most incredible thing happened. Clarke leans in so close that I can feel her breath brush against my lips. My brain feels like it's about to shut down. I can't help but look down at her lips when they finally connect against my own. My eyes shut of their own volition and I become tense. This is a dream. This has to be a dream. There's no way that Clarke Griffin is kissing me right now! It starts off with only a soft whisper of contact, just a barely there feeling and then she grows bolder and presses her lips more firmly into mine. I relax into the kiss after I mentally smack myself into the moment. I will not be a bystander to my very first kiss. Especially if that kiss is with the girl I love. Oh god, my heart has never beat so fast in my life. It feels like the Fourth of July is being celebrated inside of it. It's like the feeling I get when I'm about to have my fit, when the world loses its axis but instead of falling into a deep pit, I fall into Clarke. Where she holds me in her arms. I'm kissing Clarke Griffin! Gaining confidence, I raise my hands and thread my fingers through her hair, pulling her even closer to me. If I knew this is what it would feel like to kiss Clarke I would've done it years ago. You're such a moron Lexa. I pull back from the kiss and lightly bump my nose against hers, "Clarke," I say her name with as much love as I can express into one word, like just saying her name is the answer to all my prayers. "Clarke."

She lightly brushes her cheek against mine,"Lexa," she whispers into my ear sending shivers down my spine, and then reconnects our lips again.


	13. My Soulmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa reflects on a time when she was 10 years old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first flashback of the story. Not sure how many of them I’ll write. I just like the idea of looking back on special clexa moments. Let me know what you think.
> 
> >> indicates the flashback starting and ending

I never noticed how hollow I felt until this moment. Like I’m finally reconnecting with a part of myself I didn’t even know I was missing. The other half of my soul. The second that Clarke’s lips touched mine, everything else ceased to exist. There was only her and the undeniable pull or her gravity. I’m forever tethered to her orbit. I am the moon to her earth. Without me she would lose her balance, but without her I would forever be lost in space. Endlessly drifting into the void of darkness. 

I never used to believe much into the lore of soulmates or at least that they existed until now. I’d like to think that my parents were soulmates, and that wherever they are now they will find each other again, reunite their lost souls in their next life. Reincarnation is something that I’ve started to strongly believe in. I’m not much of a religious person but believing that my parents have reborn into someone new after death eases my heart a little. That I might be able to see them again in this life or my next. I used to think that when I died, that it wouldn’t be a big deal. That I’d be here one second then gone the next, and nothing would really change. That my small existence would fade into the nothingness and life would go on. My life like a dead star in the galaxy, no one would know until my light finally fades from the night sky. But I’m not the North Star, or any known star in a constellation. I’m the one that still has no name, like the stars that people can by online and name after someone when they want to be romantic. I’m just one less light from the sky that goes unnoticed like many others. 

I remember once when I was ten years old and I told someone about how I felt about my own death. Clarke and I had been going to a psychiatrist once a month after what happened to our parents. I despised going at first and I refused to talk about my feelings for two years to the doctor we were assigned to. I will never forget what she said to me that day. It will forever be etched into my heart. 

 

>>

 

I’ve been living with Clarke and Anya for two years now. It’s still hard sometimes to let myself feel. Clarke helps but I can feel myself losing hope everyday. Like I’m slowly moving closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. Anya tries to get me to open up when we are sparring, either by making me angry or pushing me to exhaustion. The closer it gets to the anniversary of my parents death the more I feel myself shutting down. Some days I don’t even want to leave my room. I get so lost in the labyrinth of thoughts in my head that only Clarke can bring me out of. She’ll slowly drag me out to the feeling of my head in her lap and her fingers running through my curly hair. The soft sound of her humming my lullaby that drifts into my ears. She always knows how to bring me back even when I don’t think that I ever will again. 

“Okay Lexa, you win, you’ve been coming here for two years and you still don’t speak. I know that you probably think this is a waste of your time and that nothing I will say will ever help you. If you truly believe that then I’ll tell Anya after our session here that you don’t have to come back. I can see that this isn’t working for you and I don’t want to keep wasting your time. I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope one day that you will find your happiness again.” My doctor Luna sighs regretfully. Two years of sessions and not one word has been uttered past my lips. One hour of every month for two years. 24 hours of complete silence. When Anya first told me about going to a doctor I yelled at her saying there was nothing wrong with me. I didn’t talk to her for a week and then refused to even speak during the sessions with doctor Luna. She’s a psychiatric doctor that specializes with kids. The first time I met her she seemed nice and asked all of those basic questions you see in movies. ‘How are you?’ ,’how does living with new people make you feel?’ But after she realized that I wasn’t talking she stopped asking questions. Neither of us would speak. It was like she was waiting for that moment I would finally break and say something to her. Two years later she’s the one who broke first and yet I can’t help but feel sad at that. Almost like she’s giving up on me. 

“I’d don’t think I’ll ever be that happy again.” The words are out my mouth before I can stop them. Her eyes widen before she hides her shock behind a calm facade. As if me speaking was the most normal thing to happen today. 

“Why do you think that Lexa?” I silently scoff at her question. 

“Isn’t it obvious? My family is dead so there’s nothing else that can make me happy like they did.” I can feel the tears trying to slip out, so I squeeze my hand as tight as I can, digging my nails into my palm. “I should’ve been with them. Everything would be much easier if I was dead like them.” The confession easily slips out into the space between us. There would be no more pain. No more sadness. Just peace and quite. No one would care if I was gone. I’m nobody. My life means nothing. 

“And what about Anya?” Luna’s voice snaps me out of my darkest thoughts. “What about Clarke?” Just the sound of her name pushes the darkness further from the forefront of my mind. “Would it be easier for them?” 

Wouldn’t it be easier? They would know longer have to deal with me. I’m just trouble and everyone around me always gets hurt. They shouldn’t have to take care of me anymore. I’m useless. 

“They would at least be free of me. I’m damaged and I can’t be fixed. Everything I love always leaves. So I won’t love anymore.” My voice wavered at the end. I don’t even know if that’s true anymore. I want to believe that love is weakness. If I don’t love then no one else will die. 

“I want to tell you a story Lexa. And when I’m finished I want to know if you’ve rethought your outlook on your own life. Is that alright with you?” I don’t understand how one story will simply change my mind but whatever there’s only twenty minutes left of our session might as well waste it with her talking and not me. I nod at her to let her know she can start. 

“Excellent. There was once a girl who was born to two loving parents. They gave her everything she wanted and she was never without their love. But no matter how many things she owned or how much love she received she was still lonely. She would tell her parents that she felt hollow inside. They would give her strange looks saying she was being over dramatic and that she just needed to make friends. 

“So the little girl tried. And she tried and she tried but with no luck. No one wanted to be her friend. Everyone thought she was a bratty princess, so because of her parents having a lot of money it made her an outcast. No one sat with her. No one talked to her. Day after day she slowly hid herself away from the rest of the world. Her parents became concerned for her so they took her to the doctor. Where they ran tests on her and she was constantly questioned by many doctors. One day a different doctor asked her, “why are you unhappy?” No one had asked her that question. No one even seemed to think to ask her something so simple. So the little girl looked at the doctor with her sad, blue eyes and she said. “Because doctor, I am empty inside. My heart is missing and I cant find it.” The doctor was stunned by this reply. Never had the doctor heard a child tell them that they had some part of them missing. So then they asked, “how do you know your heart is missing? Can’t you feel it beating in your chest?” The doctor really wanted to know what this special little girl had to say. 

“The little girl gave the doctor a small, sad smile and said, “I don’t feel it beat inside me. It’s cold, empty and dark. I’m still looking for my heart doctor. If I find it, maybe I’ll finally feel it beat in my chest. Maybe I’ll finally be happy.” Year after year the doctor would ask the girl the same question. “Have you found your heart yet?” And every year the little girl lived with no heart. And no happiness. 

“Then one day the doctor asked the girl if she found her heart and the girl said she did. She found her heart in the midst of chaos and despair. Her heart was broken, filled with darkness and death. But she was not afraid of her heart or disgusted by it. She loved it instantly. For it was her heart and nothing could take its place. So the little girl was no longer empty or unhappy. She was finally whole.” 

I didn’t notice that Luna stopped talking cause I couldn’t stop the tears from escaping my eyes. When I finally got a little control over myself I couldn’t help but ask, “Who was that story about?” 

Luna looked right into my eyes and smiled sadly at me. 

“I’m not legally allowed to say but I think you know who. That little girl needs her heart Lexa. Don’t let her live without it anymore.”

 

>>

 

I stopped thinking about my death after that day. When I got home I told Anya about everything that I was feeling, even the stuff that was hard to say. I ended up crying myself to sleep in her bed while she comforted me. That was the day that I knew that maybe not everything will be okay and that life can be sad sometimes. But if you have people who care about you and love you then there’s nothing you can’t overcome together. I learned to truly believe that. 

When I finally got up the nerve to ask Clarke about that story, she smiled at me and told me it was all true. I also asked her how she found her heart and all she said was, “I became their friend.” I obviously didn’t know then that she was referring to me but looking back now I should’ve known that she was. Her love was in front of me the whole time, healing me, helping me become a better person. Her heart is my heart now. And there’s nothing I won’t do to protect it. My soulmate.


	14. I’d Like To See Someone Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke basically discuss their feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever. I’m in the middle of a hollstein fic I’m writing which has taken most of my focus. This fic will probably be on the back burner for a little while. This chapter is also pretty short.

After spending what felt like hours sitting in front of Clarke’s room reveling in the feeling of each others lips for the first time, we finally decided to get up and talk about where we go from here. Clarke grabs my hand and pulls me into her room to sit on her bed. She gently plays with my fingers while we both look shyly at one another, trying to figure out where to start the conversation that needs to be had. 

“So...” she starts to say and then trails off uncertainly. 

“So...” I say right back. 

We both look at each other and start laughing. 

“Why are we being weird?” She asks me while trying to stop her incessant giggling. 

“I mean we were just kissing in the hallway, maybe we should just go back to doing that.” I say and then playfully lean forward. She stops me by putting her hand on my shoulder. 

“Don’t even think about it. We need to talk about this without you trying to distract me.” She gives me a mock stern look. I dramatically sigh at her and lean back to my earlier position. 

“You’re no fun.” I pout at her knowing it’s a weakness of hers. She quickly covers my mouth with her hand. 

“Don’t you dare make that face at me. That’s cheating!” She keeps her hand on my mouth and I get a devious idea. When she sees the mischief in my eyes her eyebrows furrow and she starts to pull her hand away but not before I lick her palm. She squeals and jerks her hand back before rubbing it on her jeans. 

“Lexa you are such a child!” She yells at me while still wiping her hand. I can’t help but laugh at the disgusted look on her face. 

“If you are quite finished I’d really like it if we could talk now.” I can tell by the sound of her voice that she’s not mad at me only if a bit annoyed. 

“Where should we start?” I ask her not knowing how to begin a conversation like this. 

“Well when did you change your mind?” She must see the confusion on my face so she clarifies her question. “Lexa ever since I’ve known you, you’ve always said you would never be in a romantic relationship because you never wanted to lose someone. So I’m just wondering when you changed your mind?” She goes back to playing with my fingers again which is a nervous habit she used to do a lot when we were younger. 

“It was Raven and Anya who helped me actually. It took them having to literally spell out my feelings for me to realize how much I was missing because of my belief that love is weakness. I was so scared of losing someone else I love that I figured being alone was better for everyone, when really it was just making it so I was always alone. I’m not saying there won’t be moments where my mentality will go back to what it was before but I’m willing to try...with you.” I pull her the hand playing with my fingers toward me and gently place a kiss on her knuckles. Her cheeks go slightly red and she bites down on her bottom lip. It takes tremendous amount of restraint for me to not pull her in and start kissing her again. “I am also terrified that I might ruin our friendship if this doesn’t work out later on. I don’t ever want to lose you in my life Clarke. I wouldn’t survive it.” My voice breaks at even the thought of never seeing Clarke again or her hating me if our relationship ends badly. There is nothing I fear more than Clarke hating me or getting hurt because of me. 

Clarke sees the unshed tears in my eyes and brings her hand to caress my cheeks. I lean into her touch letting it sooth the worst of my fears. 

“I can’t predict the future Lexa so I can’t say what will happen, but I’ve been waiting my whole life for you. I can tell you for a fact that there is nothing that you could do that would ever stop me from loving you or caring about you. You are my heart Lexa and without you I wouldn’t be alive anymore. There’s nothing I want more than to try and be in a relationship with you. It’s all I’ve thought about for the past eight years.” 

“Really?” I ask her uncertainly. I’m still having a hard time believing that Clarke has wanted to be with me this whole time. I’ve never really believed in luck or good fortune but just seeing the sincerity in Clarke’s eyes makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. 

“I’ve had a crush on you since before we even met.” This causes me to look at her in shock. She must see the questions about to spill out of my mouth so she continues talking. “I used to see you walk around school before we met and I could never understand why people would ignore you. I would tell myself every time I saw you that I would introduce myself and try to become your friend, but I would always chicken out.” 

“Why?” 

“I was terrified that if I finally spoke to you you might shut me down. Of course I know now that you wouldn’t have done that but to my 8 year old self I didn’t think the risk was worth the heartache. And now there’s nothing more I’d rather do than take the risk. So instead of being Adrian I’m going to take a leap of faith and ask you to officially be my girlfriend.” She gives me her most hopeful smile and I can practically feel my heart trying to break free of my own chest. I can’t believe this is actually happening to me. I never in my whole life would’ve thought that this day would ever come. 

Love is weakness has always been the phrase that’s kept me safe from pain. It’s also placed me inside my own self made prison with no way out. But this blonde haired, blue eyed girl has slowly chiseled away at each brick on the walls of my prison, until there’s nothing but the ghost of where they once were. Loving Clarke isn’t a weakness. By loving her I’ve learned to fight to protect her. I’ve learned to let other people into my life and completely trust them. My love for her gives me strength and no one can ever take that away from me. I’d like to see someone try. 

Feeling my love for her wash over me I pull Clarke closer to me and crash my lips to hers. This kiss is more desperate than the others we shared in the hallway but it’s the best way I have to express to Clarke how much she means to me. And from the way she clutches at my back I know that my message is being received. 

I break the kiss only leaving a hairsbreadth of space between us so I can whisper “yes,” to her. I pull back a little farther so I can look into her eyes, “but first things first. I want to take you out on a date. After school on Friday there’s somewhere I want to take you.” 

She kisses me quickly before putting more space between us again. “Okay its a date.” She flashes the most beautiful smile ever that turns into a playful smirk as she lifts her eyebrow at me. 

“We also need to tell Anya.” She snickers at me when I groan and dramatically fall back on her bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be their talk with Anya and their date.


	15. God, I Love When She Does That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They tell Anya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna have their date be the next chapter

I woke up the next morning a little nervous with the talk Clarke and I are about to have with Anya. It’s not that she will disapprove since she literally gave me permission to pursue Clarke before she left for work yesterday. It’s just the feeling of anxiety that I’ve come to expect upon waking in the mornings. When I was younger I was prescribed medication for my anxiety when it was at an all time high. Every night I’d wake up from night terrors and some days I’d have an anxiety attack so bad that I’d pass out from not being able to breathe properly. I never liked the feeling of being weak or just not in control of my own body’s responses. The meds helped some but it increased my feeling of being depressed. So instead of my emotions piling on top of one another the medication would just wipe them away so I’d just feel nothing at all. 

Anya hated how the medicine seemed to effect my behavior so she taught me how to meditate. So if I ever woke up to that feeling of anxiety I could meditate to clear my mind of the things that consumed me on a daily basis. I didn’t have to take the medicine at all after that and it’s been years since I’ve had to. I do still have small fits every once in awhile, hence wha happened yesterday in the hall. But they are manageable, especially with Clarke nearby to pull me back to myself. 

I sit up in my bed and get into a position to begin meditating. Once the anxiety finally slips from my shoulders and I can breathe more easily I begin to get ready for school. 

After getting dressed and preforming my bathroom routine Clarke meets me in the hallway in the same spot we shared our first kiss. I can’t help the small smile that shows on my face at the thought of it. 

Clarke spots it and must know exactly what’s on my mind when she playfully smirks at me. God, I love when she does that. 

“Morning Lexa.” She seems to want to say more but bites her bottom lip instead. Fuck, I love when she does that too. 

“Morning Clarke.” I take a small step closer to her and I catch her glancing towards my lips. It takes all of my self control to not immediately start kissing her again. “You look beautiful as always.” Clarke is currently wearing a very revealing red dress and I don’t know if I should tell Clarke to keep wearing it or to change clothes so no one else can see her in it. The thought of anyone else even looking at my Clarke has my blood boiling. 

“Hey, what’s with the face?” Clarke must have noticed my pensive expression so I immediately clear all negative thoughts from my mind. 

“Sorry, it’s nothing. Just a little nervous about talking to An.” Clarke must know I’m not saying the whole truth but she doesn’t push me on it. 

“It’s going to be fine Lexa. Come on let’s just rip the bandaid off.” Clarke links her arm with mine and we begin our descent to the ground floor where Anya resides in the kitchen eating her breakfast before work. 

We both grab a seat at the table and Anya eyes us suspiciously. 

“Good morning you two.” Anya says while still having that curious look in her eye. She goes back to eating. Clarke nudges me with her elbow when we both remain silent and I can’t help but nudge her back. She gives me a stern look in response and I can’t help but think it’s sexy. 

I loudly clear my throat and look over to Anya where she’s been silently watching us with a knowing smirk. Anya must already know about them and she wants Lexa to say it out loud. Damn that woman. 

“Anya, Clarke and I want to tell you something.” Lexa pauses when Anya smirks wider at her. “Go ahead Clarke.” I nudge her again hoping she’ll say it. 

“Oh no Lexa, please continue. What do you want to tell me?” Anya says as innocently as possible. 

“Right, so, Clarke and I, um, we um, yesterday we decided to, you know when two people care about each other. No wait, that’s not what I mean, I mean of course I care about Clarke! We just, I asked her, no wait she asked me actually but anyways, what I mean to say is..” my rambling continues for awhile until Anya bursts into laughter and almost falls out of her chair in the process. 

“Oh my god, this is priceless. Lex, calm down already before you have an aneurism.” Anya still laughs and has to wipe tears from her eyes. I can feel my face start to heat up in embarrassment and I look at Clarke who also seems to be holding back laughter of her own. 

“I hate you both.” I grumble and try to hide my obvious embarrassment. Anya just starts to laugh again and Clarke grabs my hand and interlaces our fingers under the table. When Anya finally stops laughing she just looks at us with a tender smile. 

“It doesn’t take a genius to see that you two finally confessed your feelings for each other. I am happy for you, I honestly thought it would happen a lot sooner than it did but who am I to question fate? You two are like daughters to me and I know that you will make each other happy.” Anya gets up from her seat and moves to embrace both of us.

“Thank you Anya.” We both say. She pulls back with a serious face. 

“I do have some rules though. I know that you two are old enough to make your own decisions, I just want to make sure that there are no secrets between all of us. Obviously I don’t need to know everything, just at least tell me the things that are important.” 

“We promise Anya, no secrets.” Clarke says and I nod my head in agreement. I’m honestly surprised at how well this went. 

“Good.” Anya seems glad of our agreement before her expression changes into her scary cop face. “Now if either of you ever intentionally or unintentionally hurts the other there will be hell to pay. You got that?” We both nod our heads vigorously and Anya puts away her scary face. 

“Excellent, well you lovebirds I’m off to work. There’s lunch for you in the fridge and I should be home for dinner. Have a good day at school.” Anya picks up her coat and her harness before she leaves the house as if she didn’t almost make us pee ourselves. 

“Have I ever mentioned how much she scares me sometimes?” I whisper even though I know Anya can’t hear me anymore, but damn that woman can make some scary faces. 

“Yeah but she always means well. It’s how she shows she cares.” Clarke replies and rises from the chair to get our lunches from the fridge. I stand up and grab her arm before she gets to the fridge and I spin her around so we are facing one another. She squeaks in surprise and then lets out a breathy sigh as I meet her lips with mine. I will never get tired of the way my heart races when our lips touch. Like the whole world fades away and all that’s left are us. As if her soul is connecting to mine and we finally feel complete. 

I slowly pull back from the kiss, savoring this moment. I open my eyes and I see her looking back at me with so much love that it engulfs me. How could I ever describe how much I love this woman? 

“I’ve been wanting to do that all morning.” My voice whispers, afraid of breaking the connection I’m feeling from Clarke in this moment. 

“So have I.” She smiles at me and before I can kiss her again she continues speaking. “Lexa, did you want to tell our friends about us?” Her question throws me off a little. 

“I honestly haven’t thought about it.” I am certainly not looking forward to the teasing that Raven will dish out once she learns about them. “Is it unfair of me to want to keep you to myself for awhile? I just got you and maybe that makes me selfish to only want you for myself.” 

“I’m glad you said it because I also feel the same way.” Clarke gives me the warmest smile possible and I feel my insides melt. She slowly traces the curves of my face and cups my cheek. I instantly lean into her loving touch. “We’ve been friends and family for so long that I want to learn how to be together without the prying eyes of our nosey friends. When we are comfortable in this new role then we can tell them.” Clarke quickly pecks me on the lips and then resumes getting our lunches from the fridge so we can begin to head to school. I can only hope that our friends don’t notice something has changed with us, but knowing our friends they most likely will. I hope they can at least not say anything until we do.


	16. Fuck I’m so nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa plans and is a nervous wreck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will be slow for awhile. I have four stories I’m writing currently which can be distracting.

The rest of the school week went by quickly and mostly without a hitch. Although I’m very certain that Raven knows something is different between Clarke and I. The first day going to school with our newfound relationship was a little rocky to say the least. I kept having to hold myself back from touching Clarke any moment that I could. Not holding her hand, or tucking her hair behind her ear, and having to hold back from kissing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. 

Of course the second we would get home from school we could barely keep our hands off one another. We haven’t done anything more than kissing because we aren’t ready to do more than that but it’s enough for us. Whatever happens, will happen when we are ready. 

Throughout the week I’d been trying to plan out the perfect date for Clarke, there was a place I wanted to show her but I kept feeling like I had to plan more for the day. So of course I was overthinking every idea I would come up with. I even grew desperate enough that I asked Anya her opinion, which was obviously a mistake. She basically slapped me upside the head and called me a fool for overreacting. She told me to be myself and it would be fine. Anya obviously doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a teenager nowadays and be constantly ruled by hormones and expectations. I’m obviously going to overreact to what my first date with Clarke will be. I just really don’t want to let her down or disappoint her in any way. 

It wasn’t until Thursday came around when I realized that Anya was maybe, just a little bit and I mean the tiniest amount possible, right. Not that I’d tell her that ever. So I came up with the best idea and told Anya my plan so I could ask permission to stay out later than curfew. Now it’s Friday and I set everything up for after school when our date would begin. I just hope that Clarke will like it as much as I think she will. 

The bell is about to ring signaling the end of the school day and my heart races every time I see the second hand move on the clock on the wall. Each second that passes brings forth a rush of different feelings inside me. One second it’s elation at the thought of getting to have my first date with the love of my life. The next second is anticipation for how the night will end or how Clarke will react. But then there are the seconds that bring fear and anxiousness. Each seconds emotion is competing within me. Not knowing which one will win out in the end. 

I know that my fears and doubts are unfounded but they’ve been ingrained within for years. I don’t ever want the darkest parts of my mind and emotions to ever ruin what I could build with Clarke. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since meeting her it’s that she is worth risking everything for. And there’s nothing that’ll stop me from trying to be my best self for her. 

The bell rings sooner than I anticipated and the emotion that won out in the end was love. I quickly gather my things ignoring the squeaky sound of my teachers voice and the onrush of scrambling students desperate to escape the confines of educational prison. When I finally emerge from within the four walls of hell I feel like a free woman again. 

“I seriously need to start recording you when you leave the building, you always look like you’ve just been granted furlough.” Raven snarks at me with her highly infuriating smirk. 

“Where are you off to in such a rush? I could swear that you have some big date planned for today. So who’s the hottie that’s finally snagged Ms. ‘I don’t believe in love’?” Raven starts snickering at my dear caught in headlights impression. “I fucking knew it! You’ve been acting weird all week and if I had to guess, the mystery woman is none other than Clarke, isn’t it?” Raven is practically reveling in smugness at this point. My mouth opens and closes while I try to form some sort of diversion or lie to distract her. “Don’t you dare deny it, you know I can always tell when you lie.” Raven calls me out and I sigh defeatedly. 

“Please don’t make a big deal out of it. We didn’t say anything to you and O because this is still new and we wanted to try and figure out this new dynamic before we told you.” I explain hoping Raven isn’t upset that Clarke and I didn’t tell them right away. 

“You do remember that when O and I got together we didn’t say anything for a month because we didn’t know how it would effect our friend group.” Raven reminds me. 

“Oh yeah I forgot about that. Maybe cause now I can’t imagine you guys not together that’s it’s weird for me to remember times when you weren’t.” Which is true. I’ve always thought that Raven and Octavia were the perfect couple that other couples would compare themselves to or be jealous of. 

“That’s cause we’re perfect for one another, and also super hot, and ridiculously good in bed..” 

“Okay that’s enough!” I interrupt before Raven can go on one of her disturbing tangents about her sex life with O. I will never unhear some of the things she’s said to me. I can also never look at the furniture in her house the same ever again. Raven just cackles at my disgusted expression. 

“I’m just glad you finally grew some lady balls and finally admitted your feelings. It’s honestly been exhausting trying to not to push you cause then you just hide away even further into yourself. Have you told Anya yet? If you haven’t can I be there so I can record it and bring popcorn?” Raven asks excitedly at the idea of what Anya’s reaction would be. 

“Anya was actually the one that told me to go for it in the first place, but after it was official she may have suggested that nobody would find our bodies if it ends badly.” Raven pouts a little at being denied seeing my humiliation. Which is a good thing cause she would hold it over me for the rest of my life. 

“If I wasn’t so madly in love with Octavia I would be all over that woman like a monkey climbing a tree.” 

“Why do you always have to put disturbing imagery in my mind. You do know she’s 15 years older than us, right? And she’s also Clarke’s Aunt? And my anointed guardian?” I point out all the obvious reasons why it would never work but of course that does nothing but make Raven more determined to gross me out. 

“That just means she has more experience. Could you imagine the things that woman could teach me? Cause I certainly can.” Raven gets a dreamy look in her eyes. 

“Okay this is the part where I leave.” I say before she can go into more detail and she laughs at my retreating figure. I begin my walk towards home where Clarke will be waiting for me to start our date. The nervousness from before returns without Raven’s antics to distract me. Which is probably why she was being more obnoxious than usual. I’ll have to remind myself to thank her later for that. Hopefully I can pull myself together before I get to the house. Fuck I’m so nervous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date will be next one promise. Should I make it a little steamy? Let me know


End file.
